note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
It was confusing and full of hummus
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
