so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
