wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
