made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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