Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
