She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
