im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
