Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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