My nipple is on Facebook.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
