he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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