My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize