My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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