I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
