please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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