Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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