Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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