Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
