I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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