did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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