I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize