I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
