If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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