omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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