I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
