Yo dont text me then not text me
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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