it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
