i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
