and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize