you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
