not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
