May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
