how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
