apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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