i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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