the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
