Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I would ride that face into the sunset
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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