Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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