Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
