Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
