I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
