i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We left an ass print on the piano.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
