Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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