fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
