dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
