The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
