if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize