is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
