just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Randomize
