my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
