Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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