I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I think I am morally bankrupt
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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