Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
