this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
