you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
