last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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