Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize