A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
