dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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