This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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