Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
