I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
