I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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