she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
