I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
i think i just lost a toe
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
