All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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