I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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